How many of us grew up in a family environment where we talked about SEX? Understandably, many shy away from discussing sexual needs and desires. As a result, I see many people in my practice who state that they are not satisfied with their sex lives but rarely bring up the topic with their partner. So one of the first steps to getting sexual needs met is to COMMUNICATE. Yes, it’s predictable to read that a therapist is suggesting communication. But the more we talk about sex, the easier it becomes to talk about. The actual act of love making is another matter- that can take work. It takes effort to meet each other’s needs. But it’s well worth the effort, right?
So here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Communicate. You can communicate during the love making or at another time. Talk about how often you would like to make love, what turns you on, and what turns you off. Of course, you want to be sensitive to each other during this conversation so you build confidence in the bedroom.
- Touch each other. Touching each other when there isn’t an expectation to have sex (for example, hold each other’s hand in public, give each other a hug during the day, kiss hello) can help build up feelings of intimacy and affection.
- Practice Mindfulness. Yes, the research is in! Mindfulness can help us be focused, calm, creative and compassionate. All of these are qualities that can help us in the bedroom! So take a minute or so a day, to just sit, close your eyes, and breathe.
A few things to keep in mind…if you or your partner have experienced sexual trauma, it is important to deal with this as a couple and seek psychotherapy to build more comfort and safety. Also, if you or your partner are experiencing a condition that prohibits your love making, it is important to deal with this condition as the couple’s problem rather than an individual’s problem. Professional psychotherapy may also be helpful in this situation with a sex therapist or therapist who has experience working with these issues so you can find ways to make love and experience the joys of intimacy.